Teach your teenager to set boundaries without feeling selfish.
As a teenager, you are going through two very paradoxical phases. One is that you are highly self-centred and can struggle to execute your empathy with others. On the other hand, you are also driven by the need to feel accepted socially and will do whatever it takes to belong to a group of friends or feel accepted by certain people. Interestingly, as humans we are seldomly given a lot of instruction or support learning to set our boundaries—in fact, most of us are socialised not to. In fact, we have a word that is used to describe our giving and kind selves – compassionate. When we let people too close, our compassion withers along with our health, and that’s the sign to check in with our boundaries. A teenager also seeks to be social and why not? It’s a nice feeling to have a set of friends and spend time with them. They are in a time of identity formation, and it is imperative for them to have a boundary setting.
Don’t compromise on your integrity to lose your identity.
If young people permit family members, friends, or other adults to make them feel uncomfortable or unworthy, it is time to teach them how to construct boundaries that will help them feel better about themselves and more confident of their personality.
It’s not easy.
Nevertheless, as adults many of us struggle in the following loop of questions.
You find yourself saying “yes” repeatedly when you’d rather say “no”?
You take on so many responsibilities to please others that your health suffers?
You secretly experience resentment, anger, and self-loathing, wondering how you can escape the tangled web of responsibility?
You are not alone. In an increasingly busy world, many of us are taking on more and more responsibilities, feeling unable to say “no.” This is where we are unable to manage our own expectations and going beyond the boundaries of a healthy relationship and entering an unhealthy one.
These situations can take place in any aspect of our life — family, friends, work — and the more you take on to please others, the more likely your health will suffer, making you feel trapped and unhappy.
Setting boundaries can feel selfish when care about others and want to maintain harmony in all your relationships. You want everyone to like you and go to great lengths to keep everyone happy. You like being known as dependable and reliable — being valued and accepted are core to how you see your place in this world. This is indeed a positive quality to possess, but your ability to recognise the balance in the relationship is key.
Teenagers are in a phase of growth and learning. The aim is to establish relationships that are supportive, caring, and respectful. This comprises as the foundation to lifelong happiness.
Healthy boundaries can be an important premise towards long term happiness.
As parents it is one of the most important skill’s we can help our teenagers to achieve as difficult and uncomfortable as it may be. It is a process that forces us to speak for ourselves and rarely the outcome is a “thank you” from the other person.
Setting healthy boundaries helps upholds one’s forthrightness and increases resilience. Expressing a boundary does not mean you are right, and the other person is wrong. It is simply an expression of stating the need that one needs to feel positive about themselves and respected by the other person.
Signs to unhealthy boundaries.
The following are real examples of when teenagers could be treading unhealthy boundaries in their relationships.
- Going against your own personal values to please others or to be liked
- Giving over the limit of yourself for the sake of being liked
- Allowing friends to direct your life, without asking them why?
- Letting others define who you are.
- Trusting no one, or everyone.
- Believing that if you fall apart or behave as a victim, others will take care of you.
- Believing that others can anticipate your needs
How can they set these boundaries?
To detect such behaviour, it can be helpful to do a check on your personal integrity with your boundaries. Firstly, a reminder that any level of authentic connection between two people requires two “yeses” to be in place. Secondly, ask yourself how intimately you really and truly want to connect with any given person.
There are several methods that can be applied here:
- How much time do you really WANT to spend with any given person? It doesn’t mean just putting up with that person.
- If the person is in a room with you, what level of distance feels good, free, safe to you?
- Is the intimacy of a current relationship matching your authentic desire? Do you feel yourself leaning towards that relationship with joy and anticipation, or pulling back and trying not to breathe until you have more space?
- If either your heart, body, mind, or spirit indicates the level of closeness and giving doesn’t feel right, you need to address those boundaries.
As a parent there is also plenty of guidance we can offer to our children.
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Talk with your teen about emotional boundaries.
Explain to them the importance of them not just for the well-being and happiness of themselves but also to draw the line for the other person’s space. A simple way to show how to detect these invisible boundaries are by sharing your own stories and making them see how you felt at the time. Also, remind them that these boundaries change as we grow up and mature. There needs to be a clear understanding of how people’s perceptions change over time and thus so do boundaries between relationships.
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Identify actions and behaviour that in unacceptable.
Go through real examples with your child of people in their lives that are bring positive or negative feelings in them. Once these signs have been identified, find ways together on how to communicate these requests to respect boundaries.
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Tell them it’s not their responsibility to look after the other person’s emotional response whilst setting a boundary.
If your child fears obstacles such as rejection, fear of confrontation or guilt, remind them to take baby steps and adhere to their personal values as the go to place each time they find themselves in a pickle. Justifying a decision is not necessary and they have every right to simply say “no”.
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Teach teenagers to be accountable for their emotional reactions. There is no need to be aggressive.
Setting these boundaries is not about blaming others, rather about staying calm and explaining to the other person what you need from them. Emotions are lived differently by each person and the only way to communicate your needs is to understand first how you are feeling and why? This cultivates trust and respect between your teen and the other person.
A tool for practice
An exercise you can practice with your teen to check if their presence and attention in the relationship is too thinly spread or not. Everything begins with your breath and acknowledgment of it with deep breaths. It’s important to note the surroundings and where you are, and what is being asked of you. By breathing deeply, you are enabling the noise in your head to exit. This gives room to respond to the request your relationship has made. Now ask yourself: can I honour it or is there someone else who could help instead? In that moment decide your answer and offer what you truly can. If it’s a no, then also politely refuse and let it go.
Having the valour to set boundaries means that you also allow the people in your life the opening to examine how they see you and the prospects they have of you. It allows them the opportunity to see you in your different roles, rather than only the relationship they have with you. The truth is, you are more than a friend, a son, a daughter, a sibling, or student. You are the sum of all these relationships and so much more.
As people see you in this new light, they begin to respect you for gently but steadily pushing back. They notice the shift in your presence, commitment, and passion as you contribute to projects where you respond with an authentic “yes.”